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We shall sort all Ugandan ‘terrorists’ by all means

NUP supporters at court in Masaka

NUP supporters at court in Masaka

In Things Fall Apart, Chinua Achebe tells us of the lizard that fell off a high Iroko tree.

Looking around and there was no one to applaud it, it gave itself a nod. Up till now it is still nodding. It is not always a vice to blow one’s own trumpet. Sometimes onlookers are too naïve to understand our achievements without explanation. But even if you have just fallen off a tree like the proverbial lizard, let it not be known to all that it was a fall.

Dress it up in ceremonial clothes; there will be some to clap for it. Let our might be known to all, no matter by what means. Coming back home, now you must be relaxed, having known from the mountain of honour that your children were not kidnapped; they were simply taken away.

It had been a lot of noise from labelling us with all sorts of filth – kidnappers, torturers, killers … Now you can rest your unpatriotic mouths, on learning that your children are not just children – they are terrorists. Someone by the names of Kiwanuka Lawrence Ssemagulu Nsereko has been posting almost daily on Facebook asking if anyone knew the whereabouts of his son, Victor Balikuddembe, who was taken away in the night more than a month ago.

He says all security offices they have approached have denied knowledge of where his son is. He has been to mortuaries too in vain. You heard it, we have him. Stop it; not knowing where your child is does not warrant all that brouhaha. I do not expect people to continue asking why these fellas have not been arrested following normal procedures of handling criminals.

We are dealing with terrorists; underline it. Anyone concerned about the peace of the country wouldn’t find it difficult to appreciate our intervention, even if it comes painfully. Who is asking why many of them have not been produced before courts of law to be tried? You have already been told that they are terrorists; what are the trials for?

To prove what we already know for sure? By our wisdom and impeccable intelligence, their sentence has already been passed. What you call torture is service of their sentence. Pulling out one’s nails or teeth is a lenient punishment for a proven terrorist.

As the president explained, their crimes are unimaginable. How could someone ask women to remove their T-shirts simply because they are yellow? This is worse than shooting people dead on the streets. Terrible! It can’t even be compared to the murder of Zebra the boxer. Hitting a police woman with a hammer?

And you compare that with petty crimes such as a police car deliberately knocking a NUP terrorist dead? Many have been ignorantly wondering why we took some of these terrorists to military courts. I hope it is now clear, after knowing that they are terrorists.

Some of them have been threatening to take over government by the barrel of the ballot, which is treason. They threatened war on government, even in their songs. It is no secret that they have been singing, “olutalo nga luwedde, tuliyambala engule” (when the war is over, we shall wear the victor’s crown).

Some of the people you are defending were found with deadly weapons, but this does not seem to concern many of the government critics. Do you want to live in a country where everyone is free to move with fire weapons as they please? Eddie Mutwe was found with an army tank hidden under his bed.

We have all the evidence to prove this, including the thirty rounds of ammunition which he had hidden in a matchbox. Nubian Lee (Li) was found in possession of a stolen name. The name Lee belongs to Jet Lee and Bruce Lee, and they wrote to the military court in expression of concern.

Earlier, the American actor Eddie Murphy had also written to us reporting that the person who stole his name a couple of years ago also took his pistol. We suspect it was Eddie Mutwe. Some have said that we arrested and locked up minors too in adult jails.

Well, a terrorist is a terrorist. No terrorist is young. One of those boys was found with a rocket launcher and an RPG stuffed in his underwear as he tried to sneak into the city. These are hard-core criminals that want to cause mayhem in the country while disguising as party mobilisers.

We shall surely squash them, just like we crushed Besigye’s rape and terrorism. We dismantled his PRA which was based in Kayihura mountains. It is during this time that we came up with the wonderful idea of a drone, and acquired the first one specifically for Besigye Affairs.

Now, thank God, we have many. There is no terrorist we cannot handle. All opposition terrorists threatening to remove our heaven-sent government shall be placed where they belong. Who are you to threaten government? You are trying so many tactics but we are watching you.

As our mountain of honour always reminds you, we are the masters of violence. Better learn this voluntarily, not the Kasese way. For more effective handling of this national threat, I suggest that we come up with new laws. Under these, we seriously need to consider abolishing the wearing of red, the colour currently most worn by terrorists.

Anyone found wearing such should be automatically sentenced for inciting violence and provoking security forces. We shall also be tabling our supplementary budget soon.

There is urgent need for installing into drones tools for implementing the sentence to genital deactivation. The ones we are currently using are not working effectively, for we have sadly heard of cases of people regaining their manhood after release. For God and my peaceful country.


The author is a teacher of philosophy.


0 #11 Makara 2021-02-22 09:57
Lysol, you are simply childish and petty. If you think that Animal Farm was written as a children’s book then you are not worth commenting here.

That’s too much ignorance in public. Your pettiness is both in reasoning and behaviour. No wonder you go liking your childish comments multiple times and taking time to unlike comments (multiple times) of those opposed to your emptiness.

Do something better with your idleness. Write your own article and publish it in your poor English and reasoning for all to judge.
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+5 #12 Wante Martino 2021-02-22 10:15
For your information, we even have "Doctors" in Music, Gosh!
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+2 #13 Fred 2021-02-22 10:41
Lysol, how do you manage to live with your grumpy character!!! I have always known that it is very old people who sulk and whine like this.

If you did not understand the gist of the article, why don't you just stick to those you understand? It is unhealthy sulking about something you can't avoid.

You quarrel about satire, quarrel about people's earned titles, quarrel about their looks, quarrel about government ... eh! You will get a heart attack for no good reason. Relax and try to live a positive life. I doubt that these newspaper writers even care whether you exist
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-3 #14 Lysol 2021-02-22 20:17
The social media is fun. Learn how to enjoy and how to use it to play with the little minds like yours.

There is a lot of information out there. Freedom of speech. Maybe some of you are too scared and ignorant. Till next time.
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