Fast X was such a waste of precious time

Allow me to ramble for a bit. I saw an interesting post on Quora.com.

It basically chastises people who, for lack of a better term, crap on the things that excite others. The internet uses the phrase ‘Yucking on someone’s yum.’

I agree with the sentiment because I see those trolls online daily. They take great pleasure in putting people down for enjoying what they hate.

With that in mind, guess what happened a few days ago? I found myself in a cinema on a Thursday evening watching Fast X.

The crowd in the cinema was having a blast, and all I could think was, “Are these the dumbest human beings on earth? How can they enjoy this drivel?”

And yes, that makes me a hypocrite, but I could not help it. Fast X is pure unadulterated garbage. A waste of film. A crime against humanity. An insult to the cinematic gods.

I don’t remember the last time a movie made me this angry. It felt like Vin Diesel and his cohorts were purposefully poking me, trying to push every button in my soul.

You have seen the trailers; once again, Dom and his friends are fighting to stop some larger-than-life foe. They spend 120+ minutes breaking skulls, defying gravity, and destroying global landmarks – the usual nonsense.

Critics love Jason Momoa’s Dante, and I agree, to an extent. Momoa’s exaggerated acting is a breath of fresh air. He’s the right kind of quirky, Fast X’s version of the Joker. But at his core, Dante is no different from Jakob, Shaw, Cipher, or any of the other revenge-fueled villains we have seen in the past.

Dom is just as overly serious as ever. Roman and Tej’s attempt at comedy is cringeworthy. Han is useless. Can we all agree that Fast 9 only resurrected him so audiences could root for Shaw in Hobbs and Shaw?

If you remember, a strong contingent of viewers threatened to revolt when Shaw joined the good guys because he killed Han, and they wanted him to pay. Rather than using that opportunity to craft a compelling redemption arc for the character, they wiped his sins away by resurrecting Han.

Oh, and speaking of Shaw, why include him in Fast X? What was the point of Brie Larson’s Tess? Why, in the name of all that is holy, would they hire an award-winner like Rita Moreno for a pointless five-minute cameo?

This cast was too big three movies ago. They don’t have enough plots to accommodate everyone. And yet, Vin insists on adding more characters to each installment. I’ll give them this: they toned down some of the silliness.

For all its faults, Fast X is far superior to Fast 9. But that is not saying much. Fast 9 was the equivalent of a child doodling in their vomit and calling it art.

And Fast X came awfully close to crossing that threshold. I wanted to scream in the final 15 minutes of this film.

That scene in the trailer with the dam was stupidity incarnate. And then, the post-credit scene came along and made things even worse; I wanted to claw my eyes out. I never thought this franchise would sink to such depths. I think I’m done with these films.

The rage will kill me if I watch Fast 11. This is it for me. Goodbye.

mbjjnr8@gmail.com