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Sex Talk: Hope you are happy

Are you one of those people depending on marriage to bring you all the happiness you crave, expecting your spouse to be the anchor for your happiness? Recipe for disaster.

I don’t know one unhappy person, who specializes in making those around him/her happy. When they said misery loves company, they had really studied the situations. If you don’t know how to enjoy yourself and life independent of your spouse – even in the simplest things – then you are in trouble.

It is too much pressure expecting your spouse to be your court jester and morale booster a hundred per cent of the time, yet you never bring the same vibes to the table. It is the main reason why you possibly also never initiate sex in your marriage, because the happiness machine seems to be passworded for just one of you.

You never come up with date night and treats ideas, because you have programmed yourself into believing it is your spouse’s duty to make you happy and all you have to do is soak it all in without giving anything in return. I watched this kind of attitude ruin an otherwise good marriage.

“I now think she suffered from clinical depression, when I look back – she was never diagnosed,” the Ugandan husband based in South Africa once shared.

“She would wake up all chirpy and chatty as we prepared the whole family for a weekend getaway. In the space it would take us to have breakfast and change clothes, my wife’s mood would have switched off suddenly and she would stop talking to everyone, sulking by the fireplace in her pajamas.”

That happened so many times that they stopped counting. Initially the family would join her contagious pity party and cancel their plans, until the husband had enough and they started going about their business without her, which only escalated the situation.

“Time came when I didn’t know how to make her happy anymore – I just got tired of trying – so I left.”

American televangelist Joyce Meyer wrote in her book Making Marriage Work that her marriage almost died due to her constant unhappiness that caused her to even resent her husband Dave’s attempts at having fun without her; like when he would go out to play golf.

She said if she was in one of those moods, even hearing her husband laugh with the children in another room would have her slam doors or smash things just to draw attention to her miserable self.

And during that time, she writes, their sex life was also miserable; strictly performed in total darkness with her eyes squeezed shut. Back to you; could the problems in your marriage and sex life stem from the simple fact that you have failed in the art of making yourself happy?

One wife admitted that she was shocked when her career took off and she had more money than she knew what to do with, but was still terribly unhappy. Until she became intentional about her own happiness, did she discover happiness between the sheets too.

After all, you cannot give what you don’t have. Neither can you stir up what is not in your system. And lovemaking should invoke feelings of satisfaction and happiness not just for you, but for your spouse too.

If giving to charity brings you happiness as an individual, do that. If shopping or a spa visit is therapy to you, then go out and do just that. If you enjoy the occasional lazy weekend with your siblings or friends in Kalangala, arrange for that. There is something for everyone; find that and see how the right disposition translates into beautiful lovemaking…

carol@observer.ug

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