Sex Talk: Lead the way

It is quite easy to settle into bad sexual habits, especially as newlyweds, setting the pace for the rest of your marriage.

Those are hard to break once the jubilees start rolling in; well, assuming that the bad sexual choices would have let the marriage survive to see any jubilees!

While it is your spouse’s responsibility to ensure you enjoy your marriage, the core duty to deliver ecstasy lies with you.

Nobody knows your body better than you do; no one else knows that your fingers are the most erogenous zone on your body (oh yes, I know someone whose fingers just don’t get touched unless you ‘you have a plan’); no one understands that you detest oral sex with a passion, unless you say something; no one will figure it out on their own that you have a little case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and cleanliness and orderliness in the way you approach sex matter a lot.

And certainly, no one will guess that foreplay means more to you than penetrative sex, among the countless other different ways we are unique.

So, just take charge of your enjoyment, even as you look out for your spouse too. The ‘silence about all things sex’ attitude is so deeply entrenched in many of our Ugandan cultures, but unfortunately, it no longer has a place in marriages, because the other things that held it firmly on its pedestal have since collapsed.

Silence about sex (ebyomunju tebitottolwa) thrived in an era where wives or husbands abandoning the marriage for whatever reason was frowned upon. Once married, a wife, especially, had nowhere else to go save for back to her parents, who were never welcoming of ‘the shame’ that came with one failing at marriage.

Additionally, wives had no incomes or even authority of their own; heck, in some cultures, the husband even had custody of his wives’ clothes!

Today, everyone has options. One can walk out of a marriage and life will continue very normally; I have even witnessed marriages dissolve with the full involvement and support of the parents.

Because of how easily breakable today’s marriage is, you had better be mindful of what goes on in there, financially, sexually, spiritually. Essaawa yonna omuntu aweta... (someone can walk out on you without notice.)

It is sweet to allow yourselves to discover each other’s sexual likes and dislikes together, but where you definitely know something, just aid the process.

A religious marriage counsellor once shared that they were overwhelmed by the number of wives that came in complaining about husbands deliberately ‘wandering’ into the wrong openings during sex. That after enduring anal sex forced unto them for years, some wives were at breaking point.

I remember thinking, “Why let someone stumble around blindly into unagreeable spaces without saying anything?!” For years? That is not being submissive; it is subservience.

Be more in control and do it from the onset. Don’t set out with the mindset that sex is the special favour you grant your spouse as a pat on the head for good behaviour, and otherwise there is nothing in it for you.

Sex can be mutually enjoyable and anticipated if you allow your needs and preferences to get a voice, finally.

I have heard of beautiful reports from marriages where it is a two-way street and both spouses are very invested in their conjugal rights, as opposed to sex being the aspect of the marriage that one person always only gives and the other always only takes.


© 2016 Observer Media Ltd