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Sex Talk: You can step back in time

You cannot afford to lose your humour. You cannot afford to lose your spunk. You cannot afford to lose your playfulness.

You cannot abandon your love for the good life. All these things combine to make you an amazing person when it comes to lovemaking, you will notice.

When you allow some light bulbs in you to dim or completely blow out, with them goes a lot of what made you special to your spouse in the first place. Yes, the world can be quite the b*tch and can back-hand you one time too many and all your lights go out. Well, switch them back on.

I know couples that enjoyed hanging out together and discovering new places together when they were in courtship, but ever since they sealed the deal, they never go anywhere together – save for the occasional wedding, but especially funerals!

How does that fan the embers in your sex life when there is never any effort?

Some husbands are still the best dancers in their wives’ heads, from memories stored from long agooooo... Now? No matter how groovy the sound gets, no matter how romantic the song is, he never dances with her.

At least hold her in the privacy of your bedroom and sway this way, that way, for old times’ sake! Put on the private show that will leave both of you in stitches, but also ready for kick-off...

No wonder many people are in marriages where they feel they were conned into making the commitment. This person who used to make you laugh, move heaven and earth to see that you are happy, filled the tank just to drive aimlessly together to Tororo and back, now hardly ever smiles genuinely in your presence. Was it all an elaborate act?

This woman you fell in love with because of her playfulness, easy wit and sociable character, suddenly withdrew into a thick, cold shell and you wonder whether you imagined the first version.

The truth is, our characters – the true us – define a lot how we deliver in the workspace, the bed space, church/ spiritual spaces, name it.

Fine, your heart may no longer have the right software for bungee jumping like it did 10 years ago, but it can still pack in a lot of fun and adventure with its latest updates. What happened to even simple conversations?

“When my husband and I were still in courtship, I was at university while he had just started working. So, he didn’t have that much money. Still, he would pick me up almost daily and we would walk to Wandegeya to a pub called Campus Close, and talk and laugh for hours,” Martha (not real name), who has been married for 22 years, recalls.

“I still think he is the funniest person on earth, but now we rarely talk. The business hustle has turned him into a brash, rude person who only slows down to sleep at night.”

Now, because Martha’s love language is ‘quality time’ and ‘words of affirmation’, the lovemaking has been naturally on
a downward spiral for years, and her husband does not understand why, no matter how many times she tries to remind him about the man he used to be.

In sharp contrast, an elderly couple with more children than I can count, still refer to each other by their first names and regularly go out for dinner alone at Hotel Africana. They exercise together in the evenings by walking in their neighbourhood and their adult children testify they have never seen two people more in love.

That is the ‘hard work’ referred to when people talk about making marriage work. You cannot invest in just yourself, then
expect to reap couple benefits.

Right now the two of you are possibly speaking completely different love languages, but still expect the pink elephants to come stomping into your bedroom at crunch time. But how?

The world is a tough place, alright, but nevertheless, live, my friend.

carol@observer.ug

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