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Sex Talk: Sir, you make the effort too

It is generally assumed, wrongly, that it is a woman’s monopolised duty to whet the marriage’s appetite when it comes to lovemaking.

A lot of pressure is put on the wife and how she looks, smells, speaks in the presence of her husband, all with the aim of staying desirable to him. And bambi, the wives through the ages have tried. That is all the pep talk we hear from the time we are old enough to comprehend these things.

Women try with their hygiene, they bend over backwards to accommodate their husbands’ sometimes-unreasonable needs
and I hear them all the time in self-improvement bids to ensure they are more enjoyable and desirable in bed. But what about the men?

A church-based marriage counsellor once narrated that a husband complained about his working wife's 'negligence', failure to cook his meals or even look attractive in his eyes.

But looking him over, the counsellor noticed he was wearing dirty plastic sandals, with his hair and beard overgrown, yet his wife had in her own session complained that her husband does not respect her need to see him well-groomed and sharply dressed at all times.

It is what turns her on about him - when he put a thought into his appearance. In fact, she had said, he one time delivered wedding anniversary flowers for her at her high-end corporate office, wearing gumboots and looking like he was coming straight from the garden.

The irony of this husband’s holier-than-thou attitude was not lost on the counsellor. So, could it be that you are expecting your wife to be superwoman while you, on the other hand, put in no effort at all?

Did it ever occur to you that women too have actual turn-ons in their husbands that would make lovemaking easier and more enjoyable if there were signs of their men trying?

Some women are turned on by a man who takes charge in serious situations; but here you are, preferring to hide behind your wife’s skirts whenever the situation turns tricky.

Others are turned on by a man who smells clean and sexy; but you have a quite unhealthy relationship with the bathroom and grooming, yet you complain that “madam comes up with excuses all the time not to have sex with me!”

It is not fair that she goes out of her way to fix her hair, work out in a gym, invest in sexy lingerie and even make sure the linens are freshly pressed, only for you to come home with a beer gut, no compliments, no incentives, and stinking up the whole house, yet still expecting some hot loving.

Show effort too by branding yourself strategically just for her and doing things that you know will have her thinking about you in sexy terms. The misconception in many marriages is that it is a wife’s duty to ensure that there is interest for sex in that marriage.

When it does not happen, she is the one blamed for not looking right for the part, not looking like she did when he first married her, being too preoccupied with ‘her’ children, not being in the mood...

But how are you contributing to the general health of the pink elephants in your marriage as a husband, save for being available?

carol@observer.ug

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