Sex Talk: No, your spouse is not always the answer

This month is about women. Our health. Our aspirations. Our dreams. Our challenges. Our men. Our sex lives. Our finances. Our children. Our faith…

I will zoom in to one aspect: our sex lives. How do we make that safer, fulfilling, about us…? I know, I know; it is easier to blame everything on the men in our lives. The lack of happiness, the lack of an orgasm in sooo long, the stress you are feeling, your hairline that’s receding.

Now stop that. It can become a serious disease and before you know it, you are being lowered into your grave with your soul still grumbling bitterly. I know a 68-year-old whose constant song for her now 80-something husband is “You ruined my life”, “You wasted my good years”, “I could have done better…”.

All funny, because theirs is not an arranged marriage, and two, the marriage is only about 25 years old. So, clearly, someone was already in the business of ruining her own life and wasting her good years long before marriage came along!

Make this March a self-discovery and renewal journey, madam, by concentrating on yourself more.


Do these sex and health-saving pelvic floor exercises that help keep your vagina, urethra and rectum tight and firm. This is important both during sex and to stop any incontinence that may come with childbirth and age.

Kegels deal with the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which (according to doctor Google) involves the pubourethralis, pubovaginal and puborectalis muscles. If you don’t like the way things are lazily lounging around down there, then get started on your Kegels.

These are the simplest exercises, because you break no sweat and can do them right there as you serve the next bank customer. Squeeze that PC muscle – the same way you would try to stop the flow of urine – in intervals of 10 to 15 seconds, several times a day.

In fact, to test the strength of your PC muscle and thus the support it is giving your vagina, the next time you go to the bathroom, start peeing and then stop midway. If the urine leaks through your ‘stop sign’ unchecked, then your PC muscle needs a lot of work, girl!

But if you are able to stem the flow to a drop or to no drop, then…clap, clap, clap! A strong PC muscle will give you so much edge in that marital bed of yours.


This month, purpose to initiate sex for once, if you are in the habit of only making love when and how your husband feels like it. I once asked several wives for purposes of this column, who initiates the sex in their marriages, and I was shocked at the number of women who said it is always the husband.

Some said it is not so much about being shy, as it is about fearing rejection.

“If he said no, or did not bite my bait, I would be mortified!” was one woman’s reason for never trying to seduce her husband.

Girlfriend, let this be the month you get your groove on. When you want something, you will be shocked by how creative the mind can get. And when you get exactly what you wanted, you will ride on that adrenalin-high for a while even at the workplace.

Maybe this is the oompf! that your marriage has been waiting for. By the way, this also involves finding your voice and speaking up before, during and after lovemaking.


There is this woman passenger on a boda boda I was following recently. I have never seen someone sane (or so she seemed) look so dirty and unkempt!

From her braided hair that looked a hot, dirty mess, down to the soles of her feet, this sister had clearly not touched water in days. I tried not to imagine what lay underneath.

If we want to feel and be desirable, then let us make the effort. Don’t blame your husband for neglecting you sexually, when you have worked hard to turn your beautiful body into a repulsive mess. I am sorry.


If you love yourself well, you will know when your body needs food supplements and invest in them. You will not shy away from mirrors and facing your own nudity, because you cannot lovingly share what you abhor.

You will want the prettiest undies and sexiest lingerie to grace your body. You will take care of yourself by working out, dressing right, giving yourself treats and putting yourself first for once – even during lovemaking.

Don’t hinge all your happiness and wellbeing on your spouse. That is now a broken record you will sing until you lose your voice. This is our month; purpose to reach for your own happiness.

Happy Women’s Day!


© 2016 Observer Media Ltd