I have been asked a rather tough question this week, because it is one of those that do not have a straight answer.
One wife asked: “How do I even seduce my husband? I have never attempted to initiate sex before in our eight years of marriage.”
How do you answer a question like that? It is not a one-size-fits-all situation, but I will attempt to answer her here. Many wives think provoking fights, throwing tantrums, nagging him until he throws her angrily on the bed, are also forms of seduction.
I beg to defer. Those are desperate measures put to work by a hapless wife on how else to let her husband know she is in the mood for some lovemaking. You can employ better methods.
Playfulness is the easiest one that comes to mind. If a couple can play together, goof around occasionally and know how to generally do fun stuff together, nothing translates effortlessly into an implicit aphrodisiac like that.
Some people take life too seriously, 24/7. The kind we joke about in my family as ‘yakula tazannya (there was no playing in that childhood).’
Life is already too stressful as it is and even if you have sex scheduled strictly on a calendar, if nothing helps lighten the mood on some days, it can become impossible. Normalise naughty, discreet touches such as grabbing his backside lightly, sitting on his lap suggestively – if you know, you know – and bantering.
I have met couples that do this so effortlessly, and it is such a joy to watch. If you are not open to being playful and naughty once in a while, you will also not entertain things such as role-playing, or using certain foods and toys in your marital bed.
But if you get into that frame of mind, you will be emboldened to try out new things and set ‘new traps’.
Dirty talk is also a sure fire way, depending on your marriage’s dynamics. Like I said, no one size fits all when it comes to intimacy, but generally, couples from all walks of life and all vocations do respond to sexual innuendo uttered by a spouse in quite bold terms.
Dirty talk may be called that, but it does not have to involve crassness. Again, weigh the dynamics of your marriage and your husband, then choose your shocking words accordingly and use them liberally before, during and after sex; text them to him, call him and spell them out earlier in the day, etc.
Wardrobe is also key. When you are a married woman still sexually interested, then mind what you wear, especially the underwear. Let it be sexy. Let it be matching or at least coordinated. Let it be ‘not dull’. Let it change often, in order not to become predictable.
And I learnt something during a trip to the UAE a couple of years ago. I asked our Moroccan driver why the Emiratis’ homes had such high wall fences. We could hardly see anything below the roofs. He said, Arab women believe in saving their sexy, naughty outfits for their husbands at home, but will religiously cover up in black burkas once outside their gates.
The high walls ensure that no peeping toms or voyeurs see what they are not allowed to see. It made sense in a sensual way too.
However, I see Ugandan wives dress all sexy and provocative as they set out for errands and workplaces, then come home and let everything loose under outfits that look like old curtains. How does that say, ‘come here, lover boy’?
Put more thought into the image you project when it is just you and your husband. The list is endless, but I hope these three broad categories at least remove the mental block that invaded your sense of seduction.
Of course some marriages are too far-gone in a bad place that attempting some of these things will only send your husband’s eyebrows into his hair; still, ease him into it slowly.