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Sex talk: Answers could be hiding in plain sight

Men will always be men; yes. Clap, clap, clap. But now listen up: women will also always be women.

A recent conversation with a colleague at work left both of us with points to ponder. He had argued that men would always be men and have more than one wife, whether the ‘stakeholders’ approved or not, because “that is just how a man is built, Carol”.

I listened to his submission, then told him to revise this statement and conclude it with: ‘and women will always be women’.

The last part has only been a silent fact for centuries, because even to date many societies, including African countries like Uganda, do not expect women to enjoy sex; in fact, many don’t know that there are women with very solid libidos that could match their husbands’, orgasm for genuine orgasm.

So, I challenged this colleague of mine: “Why do you think from time immemorial, husbands have raised children that are not theirs, but were nonetheless passed off as theirs by their dutifully silent wives?”

As he pondered that, I reasserted: “Women too, will always be women”.

In polygamous settings like the one in my colleague’s ideal world, I told him, “you had better be sure that each and everyone of those women you make the rounds among is well-served sexually, or else…”

Many a ‘good wife’ has been groomed not to complain about the too small sex rations – it is ‘unladylike’, mbu – and for so many years, such sexually-starved wives by their busy husbands have channelled their ‘untapped energy’ elsewhere, albeit quietly.

And as the woman has advanced, accumulated her own wealth and bought relative independence, the lengths they go to not to complain about the small portions can be astounding.

A friend, for example, rents a semi-detached house in Kitende with her family, but is concerned about the tenant in the only other unit in their compound; for starters, that tenant is married, if the two rings on her ring finger are anything to go by. Then, the house has neither furniture nor curtains, except for the master bedroom, which she visits every two weeks or so during work hours with a different man, each time.

No money needed to guess the kind of transactions happening there. And who can forget a polygamous southern African king who infamously caught one of his wives cheating on him with one of his officials?

Or the husband in Nansana once featured on Bukedde TV, who came back home from a year-long sojourn with wife number-something, only to find that wife No.1 had taken a lover. And the way he angrily kicked the tables and cockroaches at her audacity!

As I told my colleague, men can be men, as long as they don’t lose track of the fact that their wives are also all-woman; and yes, they will always be women. I have seen marriages where husbands completely migrate to wife No.6’s home for months on end, but expect wives No.1 to five to wait patiently for him to bring his love and sex back home. Hmmm.

I in no way condone infidelity on either side, but when you make your passionate arguments with words such as kusajjalaata (sowing one’s wild oats) and what not, be aware that the womenfolk are not allowed to even have such words in their vocabulary, but it does not mean that when you traipse off to sow those oats, you also leave with her ‘garden’ and ‘tools’.

Like those wives were groomed to make sure their husbands are never sexually deprived, you too should groom yourself into understanding that your wife’s (wives’) sexual satisfaction and enjoyment are your responsibility.

If you have willingly chosen a busier sex schedule than most, then, break a leg! I hope that is not literally. Now that you know women’s sexual needs are also very real, be careful how you hand out those rations.

carol@observer.ug

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