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Sex talk: When your marriage needs sexual healing

There are some marital situations I look at and wonder, “God, how are You ever going to fix this one?”

A lot of deliberate hurt and damage can contribute to the total breakdown of a marriage that even its stakeholders can no longer imagine ever getting back together, leave alone making love again. In some cases, this kind of rollercoaster keeps coming and going, with the couple somehow always finding their way back into each other’s arms, albeit with a big chunk sawed out of the quality of intimacy each time.

Some people have been so hurt by their spouses that they are not sure they are in love with them anymore, which only complicates the sex in that marriage the more. But it is a good sign that you are still there at all; sub-consciously you want to try again and have hope it can be resurrected.

As you work out the other fallout areas in the marriage, try to revive the sex life first; once that works out, it has a way of grabbing the other areas by the hand and forcing them in line once again. I was going through Naomi Wolf’s book, Vagina: A New Biography again, and realised that the tantric approach to sex could be the best way to ease a hurting couple back into having great sex and enjoying some giggling pink elephants once again.

What tantra does is stoke the fires gently, step by step, as opposed to forcing a physical intimacy you helped kill off with your actions and words!

In fact one wife once said when her husband has really hurt her, the muscles in her vagina wall reflexively go on lockdown; no matter how much force he may use, penetration is impossible until her frayed emotions are rehabilitated. So, starting with a healing touch, or a non-sexual massage, find that friendship place again first.

I know that many couples, even without a fight or quarrel, are genuinely not touchy-feely people. They never hold hands – the last time was on their wedding day – they never come into physical contact unless it is time for penetration. Fact.

But with the tantric approach, teach yourself to be your spouse’s intimate friend without expecting more than that healing touch. It could be looping arms in public, throwing your arm around his waist and his over your shoulder as you talk, or giving each other non-sexual massages on the shoulders, feet, or even full body.

Just don’t let it progress into anything more heated, for now. It is like preparing a piece of land you wish to cultivate again, but was unfortunately over-tilled and left devoid of beneficial elements. Tending that land back to life first is in your best interest, before you can plant any new seed in it.

Similarly, mutually cultivate back the trust, tenderness and friendship with tantra. Wolf refers to it as transmitting energy, love and affection using your touch, without doing something necessarily sexual. Be very intentional about this; and between the healing touches, go out of your way to make your spouse feel special and appreciated in the ways you can afford time and money for.

After a week or two – depending on progress – move it a base further, turning that healing touch into a sexual touch, albeit without penetrative sex still. This not only heightens anticipation toward a penetrative reunion, but also helps teach you how to find the erogenous zones on each other’s bodies, where in the past you were too harried and a little selfish to be bothered with sacred spots and possible G-spots.

This stage of tantric sex will help you learn more about foreplay and leave your spouse seeing this more giving side of you. By the time you mutually decide to go all the way, it will be explosive and the sexual healing your entire marriage needed.

carol@observer.ug

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