A young woman recently posted on Mama Tendo’s Facebook page complaining about her fiancé’s flatulence problems.
She said she was so in awe of him before, but since moving in together, she has been left disgusted by his “carelessness” and can hardly bring herself to kiss him in the morning.
The women on the forum were eating her alive, poor woman. They urged her to stay single, while others asked her to donate to them the ‘troublesome’ fiancé she had otherwise described in flattering terms.
I felt for the poor woman; this is a conversation I have had with several married people before, asking whether they liberally broke wind in their spouses’ presence.
They found my question irrelevant; I could as well have asked whether they breathed in and out!
I was horrified. Honestly. As an occasional accident, it can be even cute in a weird way, but as a I’m-married-and-free habit? Bannange…
I approached an elderly widow friend and brought up the unusual topic. Although she requested anonymity, she helped validate my fears.
She said in Luganda: “I have heard that today’s couples are very free with each other, they even relieve themselves anyhow; no wonder their marriages have such a short life span!”
She recalled how back in the day, her young friend from Busoga even went back to her parents’ home for a while, just to sit out her humiliation at having let flatulence get the best of her in her husband’s presence. It was that serious.
The widow was concerned modern spouses do not have any mysteries between them. I read somewhere that when American reality TV star Kim Kardashian married the rapper Kanye West, they bought and remodeled a house, installing two ensuite ‘his’ and ‘hers’ bathrooms.
Good thinking, when you can afford it.
No need to lose all the angel dust your spouse used to see around you. Being sick and having no choice in the matter is one thing, but you are healthy; so, try and keep a couple of cards close to your heart.
I asked the widow whether her stance means they never went into the deep slumber usually blamed for all the bombs going off with sulphuric results, and she said they did, but they ate better and ate early.
So, why are you heaping your plate with beans at 9pm and going for second helpings, knowing your stomach?
Beer guts, bean guts, all these other things that set up a dangerous factory in your gut, need to be reconsidered. Eat healthy and light meals for supper, and eat early in the evening.
By the time you get to bed your private business would have been sorted and even if you suffered the occasional mishap, it would not leave your spouse choking on dangerous fumes or fighting off an asthma attack!
Or, use peppermint (mujaaja) in your teas to deodorize the gut, if you are the happy-go-lucky couple that goes off anytime, anywhere.
Your spouse may dutifully smile as you erupt, yet again, but some things will always be bizarre; love regardless.
I remember at one bridal shower, the hired ssenga was a much older woman, who told the bride without batting an eyelid: “Mwana wange tofuuyiranga omusajja! (My daughter, never ever break wind in your man’s presence).”
I remember the room full of young women drowned her out with their disbelieving snickers and boos, and we spent a lot of time arguing the point.
My only bone of contention was: “Is anyone giving the hubby-to-be the same warning at his stag night?” Otherwise….
I know, I know; some couples are so comfortable around one another they even carry out conversations in the bathroom with one of them doing a number-two and the other sitting on the bath tub. Yawn!
I guess I was born in the wrong generation. I should look up that lone conservative Facebook chick and we have a coffee and validate each other’s ‘archaic’ views, wamma.
For, I want my business to be my business. Including what I do inside the labour suite, for that matter.
Things modern marriages permit can knock you several rungs down on the desirability ladder without you even noticing.
The love and closeness may grow even stronger, but not necessarily the desirability, because you let familiarity to breed contempt.