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Sex talk: Planning abstinence? Here is how

I was talking to a friend a few months ago and she mentioned that many unmarried women are – contrary to popular belief – ‘returning their guns to the gombolola’.

These are young women who are not necessarily virgins; they have had sex – even plenty of it – in the past, but after crying into one too many cups after yet another broken heart, have decided to try abstinence.

“It has been five years for me and I know two or three close friends I regularly meet with for a drink-up in the evenings, who are also not sexually active anymore,” she said.

Her only problem, she said back then, was that when the “cravings” came on, they came on real strong and she was worried she would wake up with a bumpy toad in her bed one day. So, I introduced her to the world of exercise.

A former colleague during our days in Namuwongo once memorably bellowed in the newsroom after she discovered the wonders of good exercise: “Seriously, this is better than sex!!!”

Well, well… Maybe she exaggerated a bit, but the truth is, few things take the edge off like a good workout.

Great sex has often been compared by scientists to a good gym session or running seven miles in terms of results; so, the opposite must be true to some extent!

If you are single and tired of all the ‘test drives’ that yield no ‘buyers for your car’, go release some of that energy with a good workout and kill two birds with one stone: a great body and better control. Kick-box, do some cardio and intensity training and walk out of there spent and focused on other things.

While it is true that exercise enhances one’s libido by improving blood circulation, metabolism, body confidence and stamina, it can also be used as a “down, boy!” barked at an errant body you are not willing to treat to anything just yet.

The young woman mentioned above said the straw that broke her camel’s back was when she tried to net herself a good man by dishing out some of the best sex she could come up with, only for him to go and marry a virgin he had known for a few months.

She was crushed and is now determined to first discover herself first, before venturing into dating again. Which brings me to strategy number two: learn to love yourself first. You are more loveable that way.

Don’t let your selling point in relationships be the haaat sex you bring; there is more to you that you too just don’t know. And you cannot market what you don’t understand.

So, invest in self-love.

This business of “musajja ki akuteekamu sente? (which man is investing in you?)”, asked by women complimenting single women for  looking/doing great, is so yesterday.

You do not need to be dating to feel pampered. Learn to invest in yourself first and if anyone ever thinks of lovingly “kuteekamu sente”, at least there will be some standards found in place.

Loving yourself pushes your self-worth up several notches and you will not feel the need to be validated by first having sex with Taaka, Dhikusooka or Hamza.

Instil the same values in your children, especially girls; improve their self-esteem by teaching them about self-love and exposing them to a lot of love, so they don’t seek sexual validation.

But abstinence is hard work, especially if you have tasted the amazing ‘fruit’ before. So, don’t just sit there and declare: “I am abstaining!”
Do something to healthily compensate, or else your abstinence will last a day.

Start an activity, hobby or project you were procrastinating over; work put; pray about it; date yourself and learn more about yourself and how to love you. When the time comes and you are sure you want to break the fast, you will be a better person and the ‘food’ better-appreciated.

Abstinence, by the way, even between married people is good. Only, it has to be planned and mutually consented to.

A brief break can result in serious fireworks the day you reopen for business. For the single-and-waiting, don’t be worked up by jesters alluding to cobwebs forming down there or needing a grenade to blast through your ‘the sesame wall; when the time comes, the body – like riding a bicycle – swings into the flow of things once the dam reopens.

carol@observer.ug

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