I spent last week in Kidepo Valley national park and left the beautiful Karamoja sub-region convinced, a perfect man does exist, after all.
Well, with a little lab technology. This perfect man would have to be a clone between a lion and an oribi or even a secretary bird.
As we enjoyed a game drive, our guide Zechariah Logwee pointed out that a lion mates 70 times an hour – yes, a bit much too much, but still… – while an oribi is so monogamous it even dies shortly after its spouse is eaten by any of the big cats.
It dies not because of a broken heart, but of natural causes due to being used to a life of interdependence with its now dead mate. Widowed oribis hardly live long to ‘remarry’.
This mating with one ‘spouse’ for life characteristic is shared by the secretary bird – a cutie that takes flight the way a big aircraft does (by first accelerating on the ground for leverage) and comically lands the same way.
Now, in that hunt for the perfect husband, throw in an elephant gene and the women folk would be sorted.
Just don’t extract that elephant gene from Bulbul, the 40-year-old, 6,000-kilo Kidepo male elephant, known to be polygamous with families in Kenya, South Sudan and Uganda. It spends its time rotating among them.
But all factors being constant, an elephant’s DNA was very enticing to me because its memory is, according to Logwee, indelible for 20 years. An elephant remembers everything.
So, no “honey, you forgot my birthday. Again!” “Bae, how could you not remember it is our anniversary today?” Nope; life with a husband with an elephant’s memory would be total bliss, until he started refusing to forget all your missteps and hurtful outbursts.
And for the cherry on top: the elephant’s massive erect manhood can be seen from even 100 metres away! Without binoculars. It is another limb…
These things matter to some women. A lot. No wonder Bulbul is polygamous. So, there; each to their own. Cough-cough.
Sadly, God dictated otherwise. We are stuck with a version of human beings that forgets easily, gets bored quickly and due to all the bad dietary choices, can hardly get through a single bout of lovemaking without awkward, please-shoot-me-now moments.
But as I watched the morning sunrays beautifully pierce through the overcast Karamoja skies, I thought, “What a wonderful world this would be, if we could all simply go shopping for the characteristics we desire from the animal kingdom and cloned our perfect mates!”
For I am sure, men too would go for those ever-willing lionesses that are always in the mood – no ‘headaches’, nowhere to run to – when it comes to sex.
But, whew! Seventy times an hour? Our sisters in the wild ought to come get some ‘escape’ tips from us, their two-legged very distant cousins.
And remember, the lionesses do most of the hunting; all the males do is roar and scare any fleeing prey into the lionesses’ paths for a kill. The average wife today is complaining about husbands shunning their ‘provider’, ‘protector’ responsibilities, leaving their wives saddled with all the bills and bread-winning duties.
These men should have married lionesses in the ideal world. Not only does a lioness do all the hunting, it can also give you up to 10 cubs in one ‘labour ward’ visit.
And I am sure the men would make a mad dash for Bulbul; not so much for his memory, but for his immense power and for things visible even 100 metres away!
Okay, time to work; enough daydreaming to last me a lifetime.