Absolutely not. Unless we are also asserting that there is foreplay God intended for some continents and an abridged version made for Africa.
In case you had not heard or seen the videos circulating, Pastor Robert Kayanja officiated over a mass wedding at Miracle Centre cathedral, Lubaga last Thursday.
After declaring the 280 couples husbands and wives, he told them: “You may kiss your brides.”
Hoo! Many couples were quite difficult to watch. Some looked like they were sucking on lemons, while others seemed to be slurping on juicy melons. No wonder social media was alight with hilarious videos and memes from the event throughout the weekend.
Now I understand why many Ugandan newlyweds play it safe when the announcement is made that “You may kiss the bride”; they just hug.
No risk of breaking anyone’s neck – or back for that matter, going by Thursday’s footage Kissing in many relationships is an integral part of foreplay – or so I assumed.
But the Lubaga scenes highlighted how big the problem must be. Being that there were 280 couples from all walks of life, wouldn’t it be fair to assume they were a good sample had a survey on the art of kissing been conducted there?
Even when I watch an African movie, the kissing scenes, if any, look plain awkward, yet other movies make it look so natural, even beautiful.
No offence and prejudice meant here. Clearly, someone forgot to give us, and indeed Africans, useful tips on kissing; tips such as, “You are not trying to extract the other party’s tonsils!”
More importantly, not kissing or being a bad kisser narrows down one’s options for foreplay, and begs the question: so, what do non- kissing couples do for foreplay, without having to take clothes off first?
Biology exposed our lips as the most obvious and accessible erogenous zones. Lips actually have many sensitive nerve endings that the slightest brush “activates a very large part of the brain associated with sensory information” – one science website (iflscience. com) says.
It is not un-African to kiss; it is simple science and being sensitive to eroticism. But because many Ugandans are not senstive to this particular eroticism, they also pay minimal attention to oral hygiene.
Why else would anyone who expects to kiss and be kissed retire for bedtime or leave the house in the morning without brushing?
Mouths are largely ignored. It is like your spouse having an incredibly sensitive scalp or even fingers, but they never get touched outside a hair salon.
I have encountered people who confess their most sensitive body part is the area behind their knees. Kissing on the lips is one of the most obvious beginning places for foreplay and when one is not interested in this in-your-face erogenous zone, I wonder whether one has time to discover hidden zones and not simply dive for the penetrative sex and get done with the “fuss”.
You can actually learn to kiss; step one is to stop thinking about it as “swapping saliva”, and more as stroking your spouse’s lips or giving them a massage with your lips, tongue, teeth, etc. Go ask Google for details.
Great lovemaking hinges a lot on foreplay; if you can kiss on the lips, you can kiss in many other places without qualms. It is said, in fact, a bad kisser equals to a bad lover and you may never get the chance to prove this stereotype wrong.
Don’t be one of those husbands who just grope, tweak and pinch things, like they are looking for signal on an old, faulty radio. Add good kissing to your intimate skills.
Since there is a survey on virtually everything these days, I would love to know how Uganda ranks on the kissing index...