I visited my cousin over the weekend unaware she was preparing to host a bridal shower.
For starters, a bridal shower has nothing to do with bathing a bride. It is a surprise gift-giving party for a soon-to-be bride. My cousin’s home was the place her girlfriends had agreed to meet. There is no way I could leave, having travelled miles to her home. Besides, she had a lot of stories to tell me. Her story-telling skills rival any romantic movie.
We agreed I camp in the bedroom until the end of the bridal shower. However, her house had no ceiling; so, I kept eavesdropping into their business. Her friends with angelic voices kept flocking into the house. I was tempted to peep through the keyhole to see these daughters of Eve.
There was excitement when the bride-to-be walked into the room. I could hear some of the girls shedding tears of joy amidst laughter. After settling, the team leader introduced their guest speaker as Senga Nantongo who had been invited to brief their friend about the DOs and DON’Ts in marriage.
I am meant to believe Ssenga is supposed to be a paternal aunt to the bride-to-be, but Nantongo was a commercial one. She justified her credibility as a marriage expert because she had been married six times. I almost questioned these girls’ intention of bringing a failure in marriage to counsel them, but remembered I was meant to be covert.
She told them the greatest enemy in marriage was the ‘ex’ factor. She advised them to be aware of the women that had had memorable moments with their husbands.
She advised that if he parted with his ex-girlfriend in bad terms, it would be okay to team up with him and fight her. However, if they parted amicably, you have to bring her closer to you. This reminded me of the adage: ‘Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer’.
Her argument was that once you appreciate her friendship, she would keep away from your man in fear that you would be planning something deadly. She concluded that most women fear smiling assassins. I found myself subconsciously nodding my head to that.
Her next jab was about house maids. She claimed maids were more poisonous than a scorpion’s tail. Once they have familiarized themselves with the modus operandi of the home, they would eventually take over. She advised the girls to jealously guard their territories.
When they expressed their need for a maid because they were career women, she used their argument against them. Nantongo attributed the increase in divorce cases to career women who are strangers in their own homes.
“The maid is the one who knows where to find everything: the children’s medication, the man’s favorite meal, children’s birthdays, outstanding bills and even consoles ‘daddy’ when he is stressed,” she said.
She urged them to always show respect, humility, love, kindness and forgiveness. Her lesson, however, left some girls cursing. They accused their team leader of bringing a lukewarm Ssenga.
They wanted someone who would coach them on bedroom matters, love potions, witchcraft and the power of waist beads.
They all burst into hysterical laughter when the bride-to-be volunteered to give a few tips on how to ‘visit the bush’. I shut myself out of her oration because it was a ‘burning bush’ talk. My heartfelt sympathy goes to the husband-to-be.