So many men struggle under the yoke of premature ejaculation, and probably nothing is more humiliating (for a husband) and more disgusting (for a wife) than mister collapsing in ecstatic fits moments after the referee’s ‘start’ whistle has gone off.
Like, dude, what are you celebrating before getting any work done first? It is similar to doing the victory dance before firing a single shot from your gun. And because of the humiliation that comes with it, many husbands do not want to talk about it. Not to their wives, not to therapists, because to them it is blowing the whistle on an inadequacy.
The lady who weeks ago wrote in to say that the reason she cannot stand making love with her husband was because he was an incessant ‘beeper’ in bed, also made the observation that after the beep, he normally goes into an angry, ear-biting spell, making life under the same roof unbearable. Until the next ‘beeping’, that is.
So what causes it? Generally, it has been put down to performance anxiety, by sex therapists, but the real cause of premature ejaculation is not clear. It has also been linked to depression, injury, guilt and as a side effect to some medication. Some men when going through a financial slump or are tied up in debt, lose sexual functionality or if they manage to garner an erection at all, cannot last more than a few seconds.
For others, any innovation that may be brought into their sex lives takes getting used to. A new sex position may come with heightened excitement and a loss of control. A new thing your wife may say or do in bed may be enough to send you spiralling prematurely over the edge. In other men, the longevity during sex shortens with advancing age.
Suzie Heumann and Dr Susan Campbell in their book The Everything Great Sex Book say that a 2000 survey of 1,377 men found that “20 percent ejaculate earlier than they would like to, 35 percent have control over when they ejaculate, and another 45 percent only have control some of the time.”
The two experts in human sexuality, however, agree that sometimes, practice and experience are the best teachers for a man to overcome this dysfunction. They recommend processes like tantric sex (where a couple puts off penetration for as long as possible – could be days – while practicing other forms of sex) in order to teach the body self control.
For example, you can decide with your wife to only give each other erotic massages for the first session, then agree to kiss and touch each other in another session and gradually build up to a grand finale, without you (the husband) cheating and going on to jump the gun. You can also practice withdrawal during sex when things get ‘tight’, in order to regain control, before reporting back to the duty at hand.
The solution always depends on the cause. One man once admitted to his wife that because of her unpredictable angry outbursts, he had lost his prowess during sex. After they had talked about it and ironed out their differences, she changed and he went back to top form. So sometimes, opening up communication lines can sort you faster than any shrink or sex therapist.
It is all about control and practice eventually gets you there. Sometimes the premature ejaculation is brought on as a result of poor diet choices, excessive consumption of alcohol or even smoking, according to other researches. Cutting back on alcohol and nicotine as well as making subtle changes in other areas of your life (such as exercising), could create fast change in regard to how long you can last.
There are other cases, however, that need a psychiatrist’s intervention. There are anti-depressants, for example, which when carefully administered by a professional, have ‘delayed ejaculation’ as a side effect. You need professional guidance on these if only you can overcome the shyness long enough to talk to a doctor.