Sunday, 24 January 2010 18:57
After chewing over Susan’s comments for a good while, I have realised that some women are not meant for marriage. It does not have to be their problem; that may be just the way it is.
Reacting to one of my recent articles, Susan K wrote: “I personally feel short-changed when it comes to marrying because I can provide for myself. Why the hell would I marry in order to take care of a grown man?”
Susan has a point when she talks of men who only drink and make no meaningful contribution at home. I would like to dissociate myself from such fellows, who actually give men a bad name. Fortunately they are a small minority at least in the community reading these lines.
What is worrying is the suggestion that if Susan did not have a good job, she would not be hostile to marriage. Although Susan is an educated woman, there is still a part of her that clings on to the traditional survival attitude to marriage: “I am out of school, have no job, I get a man to provide for me.”
I can understand if this is happening in my grandparents’ village, 200 kilometres from the city of seven hills. But if, despite her education, that is her view of marriage, then I would advise any corporate brother reading this to stay away from women like her.
Such women are better off unmarried. Once they start making lots of money, sometimes more than their husbands, they stop seeing any worth in their men. And that is the mother of marital problems.
For them marriage is not a sacred institution and their man is not a jewel to have and to cherish. For them marriage is a source of material provision. Such is their smothered desperation that they may easily sleep with the boss so as to get a promotion or salary raise. Stay away from such women.
In my adult life, I have met countless young career women who insist on picking the bills and whose conversations centre not on what they can get from me, but on what we could do together.
That is normally heartening. We men can be much more than the stereotyped providers of bread and reproductive sperm. We can be friends to share dreams and the highs and lows of life with. We can be reliable partners.
Another tribe of girls to stay away from are those who only see you as a farmer who plants that seed that will germinate into a baby. Susan K suggests that because she can provide for herself, the only thing missing is a sperm donor so that she can become a mother without needing a husband.
Such an attitude is recipe for disaster for a man who might end up in her net. She thinks fathering a child is simply a biological function. So once you have planted your seed, she can easily shift her allegiance elsewhere.
If you are still single, pray you do not marry such a woman. Trouble is that many of these girls grow up when it is almost too late. I can imagine Susan having trouble controlling her brilliant boy or girl who keeps demanding to know his/her father.
She can, of course, not take the child to the sperm bank. Other “girls” become women in their thirties’ mid-life crisis and they start scrambling for someone to spend their life with. Others say they do not need marriage, but they find they need physical intimacy. So they end up on the sexual network where they are ever in danger of networking with HIV/Aids.